Headhunter

Dear M,

I am writing to you because you are brilliant at your job and my bank is jealous of your bank because you work for your bank and not my bank. My big boss wants you to work at my bank instead.

It's a really good bank. We've got loads of money and gold and diamonds in the safe and a big, tall skyscraper in the middle of the City (our bank's tower is much bigger than your bank's tower).

If you joined my bank you would get a suitcase full of £50 notes as a reward for joining us and a yacht in Monaco. You would share it with one other person to start with, but you would come to own outright after just a year of working in your job in our massive tower.

We have lots of parties when we can't be bothered working any more and lots of mega-celebrities come to entertain us while we drink champagne from gold cups. Last week Bill Clinton came and played his saxophone for us and next week Damian Hirst is coming to give us a workshop on how to make diamond-studded baby skulls.

If you are still not sure if you should join us and do all your brilliant work at my bank instead of your bank, let me just say one more thing: everyone's really cool, you can smoke in the office, we have Illy coffee in our really expensive coffee machines, you will get a really nice badge with your name on it which is made out of solid gold, a massive office with bulletproof glass walls, and a chauffeur-driven limousine as long as two stretchy buses.

See please let me know what you think of my big boss's offer as soon as you can. We only like the best people to work at our brilliant bank and we think you're one of the best, so have a really good think about it.

Kind regards

DS